One Dead in Shooting on Fifth Avenue — President identified as Person of Interest

Gunfire erupted yesterday morning in broad daylight outside of Trump Tower on Fifth Avenue. The suspect, identified by several hundred nearby pedestrians, is alleged to be President Donald J. Trump.

“He just pulled the gun out and started firing,” said one witness who chose to remain anonymous.

The victim, a male, has been identified as Mr. Norman (“Norm”) Alcy. Mr. Alcy, a legal immigrant from the nation of South Sudan was fired upon in what appears to be a random shooting. Alcy, 46, was reported to have been on his way to a chemotherapy treatment for cancer, which he has been suffering from since June of 2015. At least one of the bullets penetrated his heart, killing him instantly.

In Washington, immediately following a flurry of thoughts and prayers, a familiar pattern of political battles promptly broke out, with perspectives of the shooting divided largely along partisan lines.

Democrats responded with predictable outrage. “This is a new low,” said House majority leader Steny Hoyer (D-MD). “With each passing day the President continues to lower the bar”.

“These are certainly, by my estimation, and the estimation of many others, uncharted waters. We need to get back to charted waters,” said Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY).

Meanwhile, the Republican assessment of the incident was far more muted.

“I’ve said I don’t always agree with some of the things the President says or does and this is one of those things,” said Senate Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY). He went on to say that opposition to the President was nothing new:

“The Democrats have had a problem with the President since January 20, 2017, and this is just another attempt to overturn the 2016 election.”

As expected, there was no apparent negative impact upon the Trump base. One MAGA hat wearer summed up the situation for many die-hard Trump fans:

“I have to say, I don’t like the tweets, and I really am not crazy about the idea of him killing someone, but I like his policies,” said the man.

Another Trump supporter sought to put the entire situation in context. “My 401K is doing great, and it will keep doing great unless you libs and the mainstream media screw it up”. She did not want to be identified.

A stern-faced Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) weighed in. “This raises more questions than answers. I continue to believe that impeachment will tear this country apart, and whatever one might think of President Trump, America should be allowed to decide who their President is at the ballot box.”

Republican House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, who is from California, used the incident to call for an end to New York City’s strict gun control laws. “It’s the only way New York can stop the carnage of all these shootings,” he said, apparently unaware at the time that the City has one of the lowest crime rates in the nation, and the President was the one doing the shooting.

As word spread of the killing, a cavalcade of stories began to emerge on right wing media, one of them attributing the shooting to the “Deep State”, a “False Flag” and a “Deep Fake”. Despite hundreds of witnesses, one story circulating on social media alleges that President Trump did not actually pull the trigger. This story was quickly debunked and replaced by another conspiracy theory claiming Mr. Alcy was entirely at fault for getting in front of the bullet, effectively acting as a “suicide shooting victim” as part of an ongoing plot to implicate the President.

By evening, all of these theories were put to rest in the wake of a stunning admission by the President on Twitter:

“The Democrats are trying to confiscate everyone’s guns, including mine. Of course I did it, because, as part of my second amendment rights, I have a right to stand my ground.”

President Trump spoke briefly to reporters prior to boarding Marine One for a working session at Mar-a-Lago where he was asked about the shooting. By invoking Florida’s Stand your Ground Law (which is not applicable in New York) the President effectively admitted that he murdered Mr. Alcy. When asked if he had felt threatened by Mr. Alcy, he responded:

“Yes. He was black.”

The President went on to add: “And besides, he was as good as dead already anyway, with the cancer, and him being from one of those shithole countries. If he was from Norway, he’d probably be alive today.”

Notably, Democrats expressed unilateral agreement with this last assertion, acknowledging a rare sliver of common ground with the President.

Soon after the President’s departure this morning, reports began circulating on Fox News about Mr. Alcy’s background. Tucker Carlson shared records indicating that Alcy had been arrested and briefly imprisoned as a result of an accumulation of parking tickets soon after he arrived in the U.S. in 2006. This appeared to add additional fuel to the President’s case, who retweeted the Fox story with the comment:

“Since when is it a crime to protect the American people from dangerous immigrant felons walking our streets? Promises kept! MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!”.

In response, NRA Head Wayne LaPierre immediately praised the President for his steadfast protection of the second amendment. “The only way to stop a bad guy before he gets a gun is with a good guy, like President Trump, with a gun,” said LaPierre.

Although on its face, the act of first-degree murder might be considered a “high crime and misdemeanor”, it is simply another one of numerous examples of misconduct that Democrats are expected to add to their long list of impeachable offenses. But hanging over the entire proceeding is an understanding that has been seemingly etched in stone by the recent Mueller investigation and William Barr’s Department of Justice: A President cannot be indicted.

With this precedent in mind, the bizarre 24 hours ended with Fox & Friends host Brian Kilmeade hectoring Democrats to “Get Over It”. Within minutes, T-shirts went on sale on the Trump 2020 website with the phrase:

“I Could Shoot Someone on Fifth Avenue . . .and I Did! Get over it!”

What are we to make of this tragic chain of events? With the swirling maelstrom of conflicting stories, and a level of national divisiveness unseen in any of our lifetimes, there really is only one conclusion — one undeniable fact, that all of America can agree on: Norm Alcy is dead.

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Where there is great fear, there is no empathy. Where there is great empathy, there is no fear.

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