Alabama State Supreme Court Declares Sperm Are Humans

Millions of lives suddenly in jeopardy

April 1, 2024, Montgomery, Alabama. In the wake of their controversial decision banning Invitro Fertilization, the Alabama Supreme Court is continuing its inexorable path toward the most expansive interpretation of human life in legal history by reaching a unanimous decision that grants full personhood status to human spermatozoa.

The response was swift and explosive.

“This is certainly a shot across the bow,” stated one abortion rights activist who requested anonymity for fear of persecution. “The Christian Right continues to feel entitled to intrude upon our most intimate activities and impose their belief system upon all of us.”

A spokesman for the court did not hold back: “We believe that all human life is sacred, and when one observes that frenzy of activity through a microscope, one can only conclude that the hand of God has been at work.”

In fact, the average ejaculate contains an estimated 200 to 300 million live sperm, all of which, under the court’s interpretation, would be considered individual human lives. This calls into question the legality of any form of recreational sexual activity that does not result in biological childbirth, including oral sex and masturbation.